Attachment

"A strong emotional obsession or pattern is like the scene in "The Wizard of Oz" where Dorothy and her companions finally get to Oz. The Wizard is this powerful, looming presence that terrifies them—until the little dog Toto calmly goes over and pulls back the curtain to reveal an old man stooped over the controls, manipulating a huge wizard image. Emotional fixations are like that—if you see them clearly, unflinchingly, for what they really are, you take the power away from them. They no longer control you. Confusion dawns as clarity." ~ Tara Bennett-Goleman

I've spent the past week trying to come to terms with my attachments. I have always been someone who finds love and then clings to it. I never looked at it as a character flaw until recently. I had always pointed fingers instead. However, at this time, life threw me into a situation where I had to put the needs of my loved one before my own. It's all been so clear to me lately.

I finally decided to practice meditation every day, something I had been putting off for a long time. It's funny how we will remove the things that can help us, but we keep the things that are obviously unhealthy. The simple practice of sitting in silence and feeling the flow of life has me more connected to EVERYTHING, instead of one person. This is exactly what I need. I have so much love inside of me. Sometimes, I feel it's too much for me to be giving to one person. I should be sharing with everyone I meet.

That is not to say I am not "clingy" by nature. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with my partner, no matter the scenario. What is important is that I be able to know when to step back and let her do her thing.

OH, another part of this topic: attachment to outcomes... expectations. I am so full of these. I think a lot of us are. The problem is not the expectations in themselves, but rather the fact that we hang onto them as if they HAVE to happen. We should be transforming these expectations to simple ideas or dreams. Here's the biggest example I have for you: When in a relationship, most will tell themselves it's never going to end, or they simply ignore the fact that it's possible. One major thing I've learned from my Buddhist studies: "Change is the only constant." Not a single thing in this life is permanent. Every day, something about YOU is different. It works the same with everyone else. People grow in different ways. Yes, sometimes a couple can last a lifetime, but you can't bet on it happening. You should be happy you have them while you do, but learn they could leave at any moment. You, also, could be the one to leave.

What has helped me recently is the idea of living in the moment. All you have is this moment. So, make the best of it. If you are without a loved one, it is okay to struggle, but you must take the steps to be happy on your own. Learn to love yourself and your life, your friends and your passions. If you can better connect to these things, I promise you will be happy again.

I am going through a time of spiritual renewal. I swear it's like clockwork every winter. My significant other is going through her own time as well. I can't say what's going to happen with us. Am I worried? Only some of the time. If I spend too much time focusing on getting what I want, then yes I worry. If I spend time thinking about myself and about her happiness, as individuals, I do not worry. Love transcends all boundaries. No matter what happens, I have connected with this lovely woman in many ways. There is light at the end of every tunnel, even if it's only a pinprick.

I've learned every experience is an adventure. Good or bad, there's a lesson in all of it. I'll end with a quote that always lifts my spirits.

"Expect to get sucked into the river of life without a paddle occasionally, and maybe even get tossed out of the canoe. Learn to swim and go with the flow." ~ Phylameana lila Desy

Reviving the Spirit

I have a habit of letting go of my awareness, falling back into old patterns that are harmful to myself and others. Usually, I can take notice to it right away, and get back on track. Somehow, it took me a little longer this time. I came back to myself when I realized I haven't been doing anything spiritual with myself for the past month or so. That's a huge problem. The moment I realized it, I decided to listen to Joan Halifax on her dharma podcast. It's amazing how much of an influence she has on my thoughts. Just the sound of her voice shoved me back to where I want to be.

I meditated today, in a different way than usual. After a few minutes, I really felt like I wasn't here anymore. I couldn't grasp my shape or size anymore. Nor could I figure out where I was. It was like being 2 inches tall and in the ground while also being 15 feet tall and floating through the air. There is no other way to explain it. It was a much needed experience. I know, now, when I reach my suffering points, it is because I am too attached to myself, my ego.

As I've always said, awareness of the root of the problem is the first step to solving it.

Here's to not squandering one's life away...

On Freedom

I began feeling much more like myself yesterday, and now today as well. I suppose it takes me a bit of time to adjust to the many changes. When changes happen in life, they seem to come in hordes, barreling right into us. It sucks to say the least, but on a positive note, we are able to get many things out of the way and move on more quickly.

A lot of what I've been reading and hearing lately has to do with politics. To be quite honest, I have a hard time following presidential elections. I am able to look into things at the beginning, when it seems there are many candidates who have a chance of winning. Later, when everyone is forcing themselves to choose between two of them, instead of the many others who are in the race, I get frustrated. Our country was founded on freedom, yet we choose to confine ourselves. Caleb has been talking recently about having everyone vote for themselves. I think it's a great idea. The purpose would not be to win but to show we are not limited. You have the choice to vote for whoever you want. Use that choice well.

As of late, I've been using my time to study up on HTML and the various aspects of web programming. Paired with Caleb's unique artistic vision and web design knowledge, I think we could move into something we both enjoy. Neither one of us is ever happy working for someone else, especially in positions that seem to take us nowhere. Working for oneself is an amazing accomplishment. I want to get us there. This, again, has to do with the freedom we are all granted. I have chosen to break free of the limiting ideas we all hang onto. I won't succeed over night. No one does. There is a lot of work involved in making dreams come true. I learned this through being a musician.

Being in a band is like running a business in many ways. And if all the partners are not working to reach success, the business will be hindered. This is the experience I am living right now. I have trouble understanding how someone can call themselves a musician, but not strive to achieve their musical goals. If you have the heart and passion, then you have the drive. If you do not, you are simply dragging your feet in the muddy waters at the bottom. I am going to take myself places one way or another, because I have the capability of doing so. I refuse to waste my life doing things I am not happy doing. I will not be stuck in dead-end jobs. I will not be stuck in negative situations. I will not be stuck in towns and cities that offer me nothing but the previous two things.

I love our country. I do. Because we DO have the freedom we all like to scream about. I just intend to USE it.

Cheers to living like the free souls we were meant to be...

I swear sometimes it is way too hard to keep oneself on track. But it is worth it. I would rather struggle to keep myself on the right path than be a total wreck over every part of life.

My girlfriend is back home from the hospital. However, now I am back to not seeing her more than once a week. This is a frustrating situation for me. All I want to do is take care of her. But I am starting to understand the lesson in all of this. Every piece of the experience is worth my time. She is going through a lot, and I will continue to wait around until she has gotten through it all. Until then, I will focus on myself and the turns I've been wanting to take for some time now.

I'm realizing just how much I want to get out of my job. I am content there, don't get me wrong, but I need something else. So, Caleb and I have been discussing the idea of making websites. He being a graphic designer and my technical mind plugging away at the programming. If I can get everything down the way I want to, it could be a good career move. A big change. But a good one nonetheless.

Here's to self-motivation and a need to succeed...

Coming Back Around

It's strange how one stressful situation can turn a world upside down. I feel myself coming back to my normal self, and I must say I am absolutely thankful for it. I have learned quite a few things since my girlfriend has been in the hospital. She has been there for a little over a week now, but should be discharged sometime within the next few days. I have been spending time with her every day. Every free moment I had that wasn't being used to sleep or shower was spent beside her in that hospital room. It's still happening that way actually. Because I have chosen to approach the situation in this way, we have grown more fond of one another. We've also had nurses saying how they see husbands and wives visit their spouses for 5 minutes at a time every other day, and parents visit about every 3 days, but here I am visiting every single day... sometimes twice a day... and always for at least 2 hours. I don't do it for my own well-being, not at all. Really, it would have probably been more healthy for me to stay home more often. I would have been eating correctly and getting my much-needed mental stillness. Therefore, I could have been less stressed and frustrated over her physical dilemma. I know, however, that she was worse whenever there was no one there to take her mind off things. She and I had a few discussions about it. So, I decided I would help, by being there for her, as often as I could. I will continue to do so as long as she is stuck there. Words cannot describe how much I have come to love this woman.

In another light, now that she is getting a bit better and I am coming back from my negativity, things are glowing again around me. I feel lighter and stronger. Through this, I have realized just how much one can learn from a moment of suffering. It happens to me all the time. In fact, through periods of suffering, I have become extremely spiritual. It is the balance between the suffering and the positive mindset that most people have trouble finding. When you can look back on a situation, almost immediately, and realize what you are learning from it, you are well on your way to an enlightening experience.

Here's to embracing all parts of life...

Trying to come back to Earth

It has been weeks since I have last felt like myself. Since my girlfriend has been in the hospital this past week, it is even worse. I allow myself to become overwhelmed by my thoughts a lot, which has inevitably led to having other negative situations arise. Law of Attraction. I had one of my closest friends freak out on me for something that was, by all means, my fault. Yet, I had no explanation, no excuse, no defense for myself. Just sat there and let tears fall as she railed into me with every thought-out word. It's just another one of those times where I am battling myself. I have too much going on to concern myself with every single situation at once. I feel like I am always misunderstood, by women especially. No one can ever just say... "well, that's just her. she would never intentionally harm me." At this moment in time, I should probably get to the biggest point of this blog today...

I need to let it all go.

I've done that before. Time and time again. And every time, it helps. There is no reason for me to be frustrated and stressed. Things will work out the way they are supposed to, and I will always do whatever I can to help push things in the right direction.

I am human, like everyone else, and we all make mistakes. I, too, can be forgiven. Most of all, by myself.

At this point, my biggest question is this: How can one be concerned with all the suffering in the world but not attached to it?

I have a hard time taking notice to the suffering and not trying to change it. If you can't see an outcome, if you lost all attachment to outcomes, you would not try to change anything. Here I am thinking too much again. However, I was born an empathetic individual. I cannot sit idly by and watch the ones I love go through turmoil. It doesn't work that way.

Every religion and philosophy I come across has holes in it. I suppose that's why I've only ever continued to build and follow my own, mostly. In time, I may better understand the Buddhist ways I have been attempting to understand and pursue. In fact, I could probably better understand once things around me calm down. However, it is I who should be able to calm myself down and continue to believe the same things. I should be able to feel the same way about life every single day.

I think a deep meditation is in order.

The Others

I have two friends, in particular, who hold negative mindsets in almost every situation life throws at them. I then have another friend who follows everyone else's ideas and feelings. I tend to be the one who tells them they all need to look at things in a different light. The problem is no one listens until they are ready to. It's a fact of life. I never used to listen to anyone's opinions unless they reflected my own. I think a lot of people are that way still. However, I've learned throughout the years that negative thoughts and feelings are our own creations and can be controlled. Because of this, I hope to help my friends break through the endless cycles that inevitably lead to depression and angst.

I believe the first step for everyone on this planet is to read about Choice Theory. I don't know a single person who has read about it and tried calling it a lie or hoax. Once brought into your mind, choice theory is there forever. It is an important concept. You can only control yourself, no one else, and you can control every single part of yourself. It's a hard thing to swallow at first, because no one really wants to take that much responsibility over their own actions. I felt the same way when I first heard about it. But if you really look into it, and really grasp it, you will feel better. You will know you are able to be happy. It's all under your control. You choose to be happy or to be down in the dumps. It's absolutely miraculous once you realize the power you have in this situation.

On top of Choice Theory, everyone should studies all the religions they can possibly find. I did, and I feel like my own personal belief system is better because of it. We should not be limiting ourselves to one or two religions. There is such a wide range of spiritual beliefs out there. Why would anyone want to run to the shelter of one thing? I will label myself as a Buddhist, because it is where most of my energy resonates right now. But that is not to say I will continue to be a Buddhist for the rest of my life. That is also not to say I am ENTIRELY Buddhist. There are a lot of Buddhist practices I don't follow. I am my own person, and I will not pretend to be someone else. I follow my heart and my mind, not someone else's spiritual practices. My point here is this: Everyone should study Buddhism. Not Buddhism the religion, but rather the philosophy it was originally supposed to be. The statement, "Be here now," has become one of the greatest mantras of all time. It will help you in any situation, as long as you can fully practice it. There is only this moment. If you are living in the past or the present, you are like the living dead, barely existing, walking around like zombies. Who doesn't want to embrace their lives while they have them? I never realized I was missing out on life until I started practicing being in the now. It's important to try this for yourself and see the difference.

I think I will quit my rambling for the day. But I hope someone out there can understand where I am coming from with all this.

Here's to a more positive outlook!

Attachment

When it comes to my Buddhist beliefs, attachment is by far the hardest thing for me to overcome. I am and always have been an attached individual. When I say attached, I mean attached to EVERYTHING. It never ceases to amaze me how caught up I become in my life experiences.

So, what about past experiences? I tend to believe I have let them go, but at certain times you would think that I haven't. For example, more recently I had a dream about a girl I had dated for a little while. The next few days were full of thoughts of her. This is not to say I wanted to go back to the past and try something with her again, but rather I was curious about her and our relationship with one another. I always find myself wondering why we lose contact with people. So, when i find myself losing someone completely, I am left questioning. Simply stated, I am so attached to the people I get close to that I don't ever want them out of my life. I deal with those who have disappeared from my view. I don't dwell on the ones who are no longer around. But I do still love these people.

I told my girlfriend the other day, "I will always love the girls I fell for." This was not to say I love any one more than the others, or to say she doesn't compare. I continued on to explain she is the one who has me in this moment, not any of them. I wouldn't jeopardize what I have with her because of someone I know didn't work before. She's much more important to me than that. However, I wanted her to understand that I'm going to have periods of my life where I'm thinking about an ex almost excessively. I've gotten better at fighting these periods off, but it's obvious they have not left entirely.

I know I'm not alone. If I asked anyone, "is there at least one person in your life you will always love, always wonder about?" they would answer yes. Why do we become so attached to these emotions we feel for one another? Does anyone else look at it as a drug? I'm starting to feel like an addict, honestly. It's not healthy to be so attached to people that you can't let go.

This leads to something else. My girlfriend and I don't see each other very often, because she doesn't usually feel well enough. I don't blame her, and I am never angry or upset with her over these things. BUT I do get angry and frustrated, almost insanely possessive and selfish. It didn't get that bad until yesterday. As soon as I did, I apologized... all day long. I lost control of myself, and it was horrendous. I love this girl. I care about her well-being and happiness. I care about our relationship. Yet, after so long of not having the situation I want to have, I lost my mind and freaked out on HER of all people. How does any of this make sense? It doesn't. Not even to me. I should, by all means, be able to deal with this. I've spent plenty of time away from girls to know how to be happy by myself. You would think I could use that to my advantage when I'm away from her. I still haven't gotten it figured out, but I know it's attachment. This is where attachment becomes absolutely unhealthy for everyone involved.

I do want to say, she and I discussed our situation after we had our argument, and we are working on fixing it together. At least ONE healthy point came up in this blog.

Cheers to healthy, happy relationships with others... as well as oneself.

Back to Reality Again

After having a weekend full of band related activities, I find it really hard to get back into the swing of real life. Going back to my day job is probably the hardest chore of all. After playing shows and having rehearsals, I always start to see how I feel about my job in comparison to my music, my career. If I could spend every day working on music and live off such endeavors, I would absolutely do it. That would be happiness for me. However, here I am questioning my daily life again. Wondering what I can do to make my days happier for myself. I've been thinking a lot about a new job. That could help, but for how long? I suppose it all depends on what kind of job I would get. Not to mention, jobs are hard to come by in Williamsport. I couldn't tell you why, but It's a very frustrating ordeal.

My mind has been throwing around the idea of moving back to York, or the general vicinity. The place really isn't that bad. I think it's less beautiful than Williamsport, and the people are not as close to one another, but there is a lot going for it as a city. There are many activities and venues for the band. Many job opportunities. My family and closest friends. I never wanted to go back. I still am not completely sure of the idea. But it's not like it will be happening anytime soon. Between my financial status and the lovely girlfriend I've aquired while living here, I will be stuck for a bit longer. When the time comes to leave, I will know it. I remember the feeling all too well.

Here's to taking charge and releasing all worries...

Must work quickly

After waking up with cramps and needing to rid myself of them before work, I don't have much time to write today. There is only one thing I was truly looking forward to writing about though. Reiki. I could probably even say I just want to talk about healing, in general. There are times in my life when certain things pop up at just the right time. This seems to be another one of those times. Every time before this, it was a type of spiritual awakening, but somehow this isn't very different.

I've recently begun learning Reiki, not only for my own knowledge and practices, but so I might be able to help soothe the pain my girlfriend has on a daily basis. Her health and happiness are very important to me, as I know they are to her. I've been studying harder than I believe I ever have before. Yesterday, I even did my first distance healing. The experience was an intense one, and I hope to further develop my skills in time. It is necessity. I would love to help heal many others in the future. So many people are in pain, emotional and physical. I'm wanting to help them all in so many ways.

I also found a bit of information on EFT. Emotional Freedom Techniques. If anyone is familiar with the meridians in the body, you may be familiar with EFT. From what I've gathered, you spend time tapping your meridians in distinct areas to relieve many forms of emotional negativity, trauma, and disease. I plan on looking into it more once I've found a little more time to do so.

This period of my life has become the period of the hermit. And I'm not complaining.

Cheers to healing all wounds!

Movement

Of all things to bring about a moment of awareness: an instance of head lice. In all my running around to help a friend I rarely get to see anymore, I realized Caleb was right yesterday... I really am a hermit. While, sometimes, I think this is a good thing, it's definitely not good all the time. Sometimes, I believe it worsens my anxieties about the outside world. I can make up all kinds of excuses as to why I don't leave the house, but none of them truly make sense. So, it is now my duty to force myself to leave at least once a day (not including going to work.)

I've also started a small exercise routine that I would eventually like to do every day. Since I haven't been smoking, I have been obviously eating a bit more than usual. So, I would like to control what happens to my body with all this change. Quitting smoking is supposed to be a healthy adventure. If it ends in an overweight body, things aren't so healthy anyway. Once I can find a good routine to get myself into, I will be well on my way. I realized that no matter how much I like to believe I am spontaneous, I really love my routines. I find a comfort in them. If I can find comfort in exercise and healthy eating patterns, it will be easier to say, "So long, cigarettes!"

I had a dream last night. My ex was in it. When I wake from these dreams, I have trouble not thinking about her. I've known for a little while that I am not completely over this woman, but I am over her for the most part. It's saying something when she and I can sit for hours in a coffee shop and just talk without me bringing up our past in some negative light. On the contrary, I can honestly look at what we had and cherish it. We learned so much from each other and even with each other. I wouldn't trade it for the world. However, I would not run back to that time period either. I am happy with my position right now and where I am heading. I am also very happy for her and the position she is in. I only hope we continue on the same paths, in health and happiness. I guess I just question what it is I am hanging onto. There's obviously a piece somewhere that I am missing. Awareness is key. Perhaps, meditation is the answer.

"Stagnation does not occur because of surroundings and situations. It occurs from within." ~ A thought I had this morning, referring to not only myself but everyone else around me who feels they aren't going anywhere.

Here's to physical AND spiritual movement!

Last night, I had my first recalled dream in a long time... I dreamed of trying to get to my girlfriend's house to sleep with her, a large snow in july, a million and one plow trucks (didn't seem very necessary,) and an ex boyfriend i haven't even thought about in ages. ... Must have been the caffeine.

Onto other things, I just read an article about a woman who, at age 75, is stripping publicly. My first reaction: the same as everyone else I'm sure. However, I realized, if this woman can feel so fine about herself as to strip down without feeling insecure in the least bit, good for her! I think more people should feel this way about themselves. Sometimes, I've wondered if we're meant to be naked all the time, like a tribe of sorts. If we were, there would be no clothing to make people cool or sexy. Not to mention, if people were used to seeing everyone else naked, it would be less of a sexual thing. It would be common. Sex might not be such a wonderful event in that scenario. In theory, this could bring down the rape numbers. Just a thought.

About a month ago, I was shocked to realize how many rapes occur all the time. It's something that isn't thought about on a daily basis, and I'm not sure if it should or shouldn't be. I mean, if women thought about it everyday (as I was during the week I had this realization,) it would create a paranoia. It's hard to live life to the fullest when you're constantly worried someone might attack you. It is good to know life isn't perfect all the time. It's good to know that there are people out there that could potentially hurt others. Essentially, it's good to know the truth. However, dwelling on these truths doesn't help anyone. Once you are aware of the world around you, you will perceive threats before you normally would, anyway. This is what keeps me from worrying. Not to mention, it's much better to live a life of joy than one of constant anxiety.

Here's to changing the world one person at a time....

Here's a start

I found myself wanting to write personal blogs less often on Myspace. People on Myspace are purposely looking for that invitation into one's soul and mind. I really don't like it. But I can't say I haven't been one of those people.

So, here I am, on blogger yet again. It has been many years since I last posted something on here. Now, with a fresh start, I feel ready to post as I please. Sometimes, I may bare some piece of my thoughts that is unusual to spill, and other times I may post something completely random and out in left field. If you are here, and keep coming back, it means I'm doing something right I suppose.

I've been studying Buddhism for about 6 months now, and as time goes on, I feel more and more drawn to the path. I can see myself in many different lights, from many different angles. By doing so, I feel I am a better companion to all those around me. I can feel a bit of anger well up inside me, but as long as I am in some state of awareness (even a small amount,) I can stop myself and realize it is not truly me that is angry. It is only my ego. I do not wish to live from my ego. We all do though. And as long as I am living in this reality (as opposed to solitary confinement or a monastery,) I will continue to have pieces of me reacting through the ego. It is a fact of life. It's always easier to be whoever you want to be when you are locked up. Take, for example, all the men and women in our prisons. When they are there, most of them read and learn. In fact, I've heard many stories about prisoners becoming Buddhists while in the prison system. However, what happens when they get out and go back home? What happens when you end up around people who bring out worse parts of you? It's hard to have enough self-control to handle that situation correctly.

Studying Buddhism has also led me to be a vegetarian. This is something I never thought I could accomplish. I always used to tell people, "I could never be a vegetarian, let alone a vegan. I am way too picky. Not to mention, I love meat!" Now, I look back, and I have a hard time seeing myself back then. Now that I've stopped eating meat, I feel much healthier. When I would eat it before, I would feel weighted down, and there would be a pressure in my chest. It always made me uncomfortable, but I didn't think I could do anything about it. Since I stopped, I never feel that way. I strive to get all the vitamins I need. But really, when i was eating meat, I wasn't eating much of anything else. I had a horrible diet! So, it's an over-all change. No matter what I do right now, I have much healthier eating habits than I once did.

I also recall watching a video a while back... It showed the way they process different animals in slaughter houses. I remember crying, and, at one point, almost throwing up. From that moment on, I had wanted to change. Now, I feel like I am making a difference for these living creatures. I know it is a very miniscule difference, but it does help. And as time goes on, more and more people are shifting their diets. It's a beautiful sight. We, as humans, need to stop destroying everything around us, and start re-building life.

I hope the world does crumble... and I hope we make it better next time.

Here's to world peace....