Attachment

When it comes to my Buddhist beliefs, attachment is by far the hardest thing for me to overcome. I am and always have been an attached individual. When I say attached, I mean attached to EVERYTHING. It never ceases to amaze me how caught up I become in my life experiences.

So, what about past experiences? I tend to believe I have let them go, but at certain times you would think that I haven't. For example, more recently I had a dream about a girl I had dated for a little while. The next few days were full of thoughts of her. This is not to say I wanted to go back to the past and try something with her again, but rather I was curious about her and our relationship with one another. I always find myself wondering why we lose contact with people. So, when i find myself losing someone completely, I am left questioning. Simply stated, I am so attached to the people I get close to that I don't ever want them out of my life. I deal with those who have disappeared from my view. I don't dwell on the ones who are no longer around. But I do still love these people.

I told my girlfriend the other day, "I will always love the girls I fell for." This was not to say I love any one more than the others, or to say she doesn't compare. I continued on to explain she is the one who has me in this moment, not any of them. I wouldn't jeopardize what I have with her because of someone I know didn't work before. She's much more important to me than that. However, I wanted her to understand that I'm going to have periods of my life where I'm thinking about an ex almost excessively. I've gotten better at fighting these periods off, but it's obvious they have not left entirely.

I know I'm not alone. If I asked anyone, "is there at least one person in your life you will always love, always wonder about?" they would answer yes. Why do we become so attached to these emotions we feel for one another? Does anyone else look at it as a drug? I'm starting to feel like an addict, honestly. It's not healthy to be so attached to people that you can't let go.

This leads to something else. My girlfriend and I don't see each other very often, because she doesn't usually feel well enough. I don't blame her, and I am never angry or upset with her over these things. BUT I do get angry and frustrated, almost insanely possessive and selfish. It didn't get that bad until yesterday. As soon as I did, I apologized... all day long. I lost control of myself, and it was horrendous. I love this girl. I care about her well-being and happiness. I care about our relationship. Yet, after so long of not having the situation I want to have, I lost my mind and freaked out on HER of all people. How does any of this make sense? It doesn't. Not even to me. I should, by all means, be able to deal with this. I've spent plenty of time away from girls to know how to be happy by myself. You would think I could use that to my advantage when I'm away from her. I still haven't gotten it figured out, but I know it's attachment. This is where attachment becomes absolutely unhealthy for everyone involved.

I do want to say, she and I discussed our situation after we had our argument, and we are working on fixing it together. At least ONE healthy point came up in this blog.

Cheers to healthy, happy relationships with others... as well as oneself.