Find Your Passion

Your passion is that which makes you feel better about your life.  It gives you a sense of purpose.  It brings relief in times of pain.  You can have many passions or you can have only one.  But without passion you are a lost, wandering soul who may never find the meaning which you seek.

I've watched people wallow in misery because they lost their motivation to find peace and balance.  They forget they have things that take away the pain, even momentarily.  Positive things.  Instead, they feed their addictions as a means to escape.  These addictions take on many forms (not just the typical idea of drug and alcohol addictions,) as we all face it in some way.  I try to offer help, but I know they can only help themselves.  I cannot completely understand their pain, as I can barely understand my own.  Addictions make it easy to ignore the pain we endure at the hands of the world.  Rather than learn to work through it, we run away every chance we get.  I know I am guilty of this more often than not, but it's important for us all to break through!

What is your passion?  Do you love one or all of the arts like I do?  I'm quite the dabbler.  I like to try anything artistic or crafty, though there are only a handful of which I consider myself skillful enough to use often.  Maybe you are more left-brained than I and enjoy more rigid, factual tasks.  While I enjoy working with numbers and money, it is not something I feel brings balance to my life.  Even something that seems simple, such as bird-watching or even gardening, could be a passion.  No matter your choice, the outlet is a great way to feel grounded in who you are.  It is the best way to create joy in a life full of chaos.

The world is full of suffering.  You can only try to get through each moment with some sort of fascination in life.  Otherwise, you will spend each moment awaiting death.  Everyone has their drive.  If you can't seem to pinpoint yours, go try something new and interesting.  It just might be the thing you're missing.

The Death of My Car

On the morning of February 3rd, I was having my usual Thursday at work - trying to accomplish too many tasks in too short a time.  The phone rings, and I am the one to answer.  All I can hear is my fiance's tone of voice screaming and crying.  It was the most dreadful sound and made me shudder with horrific thoughts of what might be happening.  Another woman - a concerned citizen who was staying to take care of my fiance and our son - got on the phone to tell me there was an accident.  Someone had run a stop sign, hitting our car on the corner of High and Grier.

I immediately hung up the phone and ran into the office.

"I have to go...  I have to go NOW.  There was an accident."

I burst into tears as a coworker helped me grab my things and told me to remain calm, something I have a hard time doing most days anyway.

It only took us two or three minutes to get to the scene.  Ugly.  It was so ugly.  I ran across the street toward the crowd of people, almost falling on my ass because of a patch of ice I neglected to see.  My fiance was strapped to a board, surrounded by paramedics who kept telling me to back up.  After calling one of them a few choice names out of frustration, I turned around to find my son's car seat - covered by blankets and protected by a stranger - the woman I had spoken to on the phone.  I pulled back the blankets frantically to see his big eyes staring up at me in shock, not a scratch on him.

After an ambulance ride to the hospital and a couple hours of routine tests, my family (and neighbor who was a passenger) is banged up and bruised - emotionally and physically - but they are okay.  My car, however, did not fair so well.  It is in no way drivable.  Totaled.  So, now that I was worried less about my family's well-being, I had to deal with the stress of having no vehicle.  On top of this, I had to face my fear of confrontation.  Calling an insurance company that owes you, knowing they might try to fight it, is a tough task for me.  I know, I know - I shouldn't worry about something unless I encounter it.  Well, after days of worry, frustration, and anger (trying to get a hold of the guy to no avail) I finally overcame my obstacle.  The situation is not yet over, but a weight has been lifted just by speaking to the insurance agent.  And, I would like to mention, he was very kind to me.  Remember my last post about judgment?  Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've been judging this poor guy negatively for two days.  It's amazing what one fear can do to your way of thinking.

I'm hoping the dust will settle soon.  It's been a rough week, but it is one full of lessons for me: 

• My need to overcome this fear of confrontation

• The ability to take help from others (letting go of pride)

• The importance of family

• Compassion for those who have harmed me or my loved ones 

The last one has come and gone from my mind a few times since this whole ordeal started.  It is really hard to have compassion when you feel you have been wronged.  It is especially hard when this wrong-doing affects your family.  However, put simply, shit happens.  I don't know anything about the woman at fault for the accident, and I will not hold a grudge toward her.  I am just thankful my family walked away from it.  That is more important than anything. 

To all of you out there, please be careful on the roads.  You never know who is going to run a stop sign, rear-end you, or swerve toward your vehicle for whatever reason.  And remember, if you are the one running the stop sign, or any number of other things, you could be creating a whole world of hurt for others involved.  Many people don't pay enough attention when they get behind the wheel.  Let my situation be a stepping stone for you to change your driving habits, even if it only means watching out for other drivers. 

Acts of Kindness and The Passing of Judgment

I love my fiance.  She has one of the most kind hearts when it comes to helping people in need.  From taking our neighbor to physical therapy to helping an elderly woman in the Walmart parking lot, and even once having a job as a caregiver to special needs women.  She just amazes me.  Seeing her do these things is a constant reminder to me that we are all in this life together, and we should do whatever we can to help our fellow man.

One evening last week, she looked out the back door to see an older gentleman trying to push his dead truck down the alleyway.  She called out to him asking if he needed help.  The next thing I know she's grabbing the keys to our car and walking out the back door to jump-start this fella's vehicle.

When all was said and done, she came into the living room to give me a recap of the event.  Apparently, the elderly gentleman had told her:

"A car passed by me with one of those Jesus bumper stickers on the back.  I tried to wave him down, and that son of a bitch flipped me off.  Here you are with all your tattoos and piercings, and you're the one asking to help.  Just goes to show you can't judge a book by its cover!"

Had my lady not gone to help him, he was going to push that truck all the way downtown to a repair shop.  Can you imagine having to do that?!  I was glad to hear his perspective had changed even slightly. 

I have seen people judge harshly, based on appearance alone, too often.  I suppose it can be pretty easy to do, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.  I have been on both sides of this judgment thing, and neither one is pretty.  Throughout my life, I have allowed myself to live as I wanted, no matter what others thought of me.  That made me the outcast in high school for the first three years.  By my senior year, I was well-liked by the majority of the school (at least those who knew me.)  I helped to change their perspective.  At the same time, I know there have been moments when I judged others negatively.  I can't explain why it happened, but I know I have usually been pretty good at scolding myself afterward.  Sometimes I think the judgment is a reflection of the ego.  We forget to love and understand those around us whether they are strangers, family or even our friends.

While we're on the topic of judgment, I would like to share something that I saw last night.  One of my cousins (I swear she is my sister) posted something online that she had found elsewhere.  It said:

"Our actions of the past shouldn't define who we are today. Our actions of today should help define who we want to become and how we want to spend our life."  

I challenged this a bit by saying we should take out the "shouldn't" and "should," replacing them with "don't" and "do."  My reasoning is simple.  The judgment of others does not define who we are.  Rather, it is our judgment of ourselves that places a definition of self.  

Throughout my quarter-century lifespan, I have learned a lot about kindness and judgment.  The two go hand-in-hand, if for no other reason than you are judged by the way you treat others.  When you show acts of kindness, that is what they will see in you.  Your appearance will no longer matter.  Their perception will shift.  

I hope this helps you to put your best foot forward.  You are kind.  You are loving.  You are you.  Let the world see it.