Growing Wings on Wordpress

I have officially made the move to Wordpress.com.  While I was a little worried about it, I have to say I like my new home there. 

Please visit me at the new blog site:  http://dhargeykhandro.wordpress.com/

Don't forget to sign up to receive my posts via email - that is if you like hearing from me.  ;-)

The Social Lesson

In The Beginning

As far back as I can remember, I've had stage fright.  I always feared what people thought of me as I stood up in front of them and tried to speak.  I came very close to fainting once during a school speech - a speech which my partners gave as I squeaked out only a few words.  This fear of "the stage" was a bit of a problem since I was an aspiring musician. 

Eventually, after joining a band, I began playing gigs and forcing myself to get over my fear.  I was nervous through the entirety of the first few shows.  In later shows, I was only nervous before our performance, and further down the road I found myself taking each gig with absolute ease.  The moment we arrived at the venue, I was transformed.  I would visualize myself as confident and outgoing, and somehow this worked for me.  Not only did I fool the crowd; I fooled myself, and as a result my performances were almost always astounding.

Shift Back to Present-Day

Recently, I've become involved with a new business which requires me to be social.  Go figure.  Throughout the years I've acquired quite a range of anxieties, one of them being social anxiety.  In fact, I'm pretty sure it's my worst one.  Making phone calls, to anyone, is especially hard for me.  Perhaps this is my chance to cure the anxiety once and for all.  It is just one of the many lessons I will learn on this new journey.

My contemplation of the topic at hand has led me to think about the various roles we play in our lives.  While on stage, I am a confident, energetic rock star.  When I'm working at the grocery store, I have no problem being socially involved with strangers - whether in person or through the telephone.  But place me back into my house, and the underlying issues arise again.  Basically, I have learned to adapt in certain environments but not in others.  I have become comfortable being the confident, outgoing person when placed in the "correct" scenarios. 

In truth, I have always been a shy introvert.  I've spent about ten years trying to get away from it.  Breaking out of that shell requires some bit of acting.  But I don't want to be an actress in all aspects of my life.  Nor do I want to be an actress forever.  How does one get from acting to being?

Then again, maybe I'm not always acting.  

A Solution

As though it was meant to be, I was tuned into an article on wholeliving.com which said something I needed to hear (and which also relates to this post.)

"How long does it take to write a two-line email to someone who might help to grow your business? Typically people hold this to be a huge task because anxiety wells up in them when they think about putting themselves “out there.” But the reality is that the email itself takes hardly a minute or two to write. If you learn to calm yourself, center yourself, and not magnify the risk involved, you could make significant headway every time you found a few minutes at your disposal."

Wow!  My social anxiety really is linked to my fear of putting myself "out there."  While my anxiety never creeps up over emails, the advice offered above can come in handy when I have phone calls to make.  I already calm myself at times when I must talk to people face-to-face.  So, cultivating that ability with phone calls should be relatively easy.  I'll give it a shot and see how it goes.

As a side note:  The new business I've gotten myself involved in has been taking a bit of my free time.  I've also been diving deeply into my studies.  So, please bear with me while my posts are few and far between.  I'm hoping to pick up the pace again soon.

If you would like to read the article I quoted above, you can do so here:  Using Small Intervals of Time for Creative Work

A Look At Stress

I have been reading a lot about stress and anxiety.  I have a tendency to overly stress about pretty much everything.  It seems to run in my family, which leads me to believe it is a learned behavior.  If that is the case, it should be something that can be overcome, although not without much hard work, knowledge, and persistence.

Stress, in animals, only occurs during dramatic, life-threatening events.  For humans, it is still a response to danger, but we have taken it even further.  There are stages to stress - The first being fight-or-flight. It is the response we feel whenever our danger receptors are initiated.  This is a natural reaction.  Although, once you pass this first stage and still feel yourself stressing to the point of exhaustion (which is the last stage), you are no longer in the natural state of things.  When a pack of animals is attacked, they feel stressed and begin to flee (or fight if they feel powerful enough).  Once the danger has passed, they can be found licking wounds and tending to their loved ones before calling it a day.  They move on from the situation and resume their daily ways.

The stress we encounter in our day-to-day lives is brought on not by danger but by change.  Some people adapt quickly to change while others (like myself) need time to adjust.  I am a creature of habitual routine.  If something interrupts my patterns, I don't know what to do.  I freeze in place while my thoughts begin to race.  Sometimes I even rant and rave - similar to the temper tantrum of a toddler.  If I can get through the initial shock with a little help from positivity (this happens occasionally), I actually adjust quite quickly. 

The thing about stress is it's always there.  The way to overcome it is by taking action.  When I am stressed because I have too much to do, I take steps to get as much done as possible, leaving less important tasks for a later time.  This helps me to feel at least a slight sense of accomplishment.  The feeling of fulfillment then helps me to release my stress.  If the feeling of accomplishment isn't enough to take away the anxiety, there are a few other things I do to gain a sense of relief.

• Listening to music

The greatest thing about music is that you can use it while doing pretty much anything - or nothing.  You can put on some headphones and lie down in the grass, or you can pump the volume on the stereo while doing your housework.  There has never been a time when music didn't move me in some way.

• Meditation

I don't always use meditation in its best form.  In fact, to be honest with you, I haven't fully meditated in probably a year or longer.  However, I do take brief moments every day to meditate on the moment.  Usually I will go outside and focus on the sounds of the birds chirping, the feeling of the breeze traveling across my skin or the way the trees look in the sunlight.  When you take time out to focus on the moment, it reminds you that stress is not something that was brought to you. Rather, it is something inside that you can control.

• Exercise

While I have yet to begin a more strenuous exercise routine (I am the worst procrastinator), I have found the simplicity of taking a walk to be a great stress reliever.  Not only can it bring you back to the moment but sometimes the movement will help to slow down the racing thoughts.  I do, on the other hand, believe a regular exercise routine is a key to opening the door of calmness.  I'm in the process of setting something up for myself.  Perhaps I'll blog about it at a later time.

• Hobbies

This is the greatest point for me.  Get creative!  Making music, writing, painting, gardening or whatever might please you helps to diffuse situations which bring on anxiety.  This is the best choice when you find yourself stressing over something which you have no control over. 

Scientific studies show that overwhelming amounts of stress can lead to various physical problems.  Society finds more and more ways to stress us out.  In order to maintain a healthy lifestyle in a world full of anxiety, we must find ways to cope.  Each person is different.  Explore all the options, experiment and find what works for you.

Let's find relief!

Find Your Passion

Your passion is that which makes you feel better about your life.  It gives you a sense of purpose.  It brings relief in times of pain.  You can have many passions or you can have only one.  But without passion you are a lost, wandering soul who may never find the meaning which you seek.

I've watched people wallow in misery because they lost their motivation to find peace and balance.  They forget they have things that take away the pain, even momentarily.  Positive things.  Instead, they feed their addictions as a means to escape.  These addictions take on many forms (not just the typical idea of drug and alcohol addictions,) as we all face it in some way.  I try to offer help, but I know they can only help themselves.  I cannot completely understand their pain, as I can barely understand my own.  Addictions make it easy to ignore the pain we endure at the hands of the world.  Rather than learn to work through it, we run away every chance we get.  I know I am guilty of this more often than not, but it's important for us all to break through!

What is your passion?  Do you love one or all of the arts like I do?  I'm quite the dabbler.  I like to try anything artistic or crafty, though there are only a handful of which I consider myself skillful enough to use often.  Maybe you are more left-brained than I and enjoy more rigid, factual tasks.  While I enjoy working with numbers and money, it is not something I feel brings balance to my life.  Even something that seems simple, such as bird-watching or even gardening, could be a passion.  No matter your choice, the outlet is a great way to feel grounded in who you are.  It is the best way to create joy in a life full of chaos.

The world is full of suffering.  You can only try to get through each moment with some sort of fascination in life.  Otherwise, you will spend each moment awaiting death.  Everyone has their drive.  If you can't seem to pinpoint yours, go try something new and interesting.  It just might be the thing you're missing.

The Death of My Car

On the morning of February 3rd, I was having my usual Thursday at work - trying to accomplish too many tasks in too short a time.  The phone rings, and I am the one to answer.  All I can hear is my fiance's tone of voice screaming and crying.  It was the most dreadful sound and made me shudder with horrific thoughts of what might be happening.  Another woman - a concerned citizen who was staying to take care of my fiance and our son - got on the phone to tell me there was an accident.  Someone had run a stop sign, hitting our car on the corner of High and Grier.

I immediately hung up the phone and ran into the office.

"I have to go...  I have to go NOW.  There was an accident."

I burst into tears as a coworker helped me grab my things and told me to remain calm, something I have a hard time doing most days anyway.

It only took us two or three minutes to get to the scene.  Ugly.  It was so ugly.  I ran across the street toward the crowd of people, almost falling on my ass because of a patch of ice I neglected to see.  My fiance was strapped to a board, surrounded by paramedics who kept telling me to back up.  After calling one of them a few choice names out of frustration, I turned around to find my son's car seat - covered by blankets and protected by a stranger - the woman I had spoken to on the phone.  I pulled back the blankets frantically to see his big eyes staring up at me in shock, not a scratch on him.

After an ambulance ride to the hospital and a couple hours of routine tests, my family (and neighbor who was a passenger) is banged up and bruised - emotionally and physically - but they are okay.  My car, however, did not fair so well.  It is in no way drivable.  Totaled.  So, now that I was worried less about my family's well-being, I had to deal with the stress of having no vehicle.  On top of this, I had to face my fear of confrontation.  Calling an insurance company that owes you, knowing they might try to fight it, is a tough task for me.  I know, I know - I shouldn't worry about something unless I encounter it.  Well, after days of worry, frustration, and anger (trying to get a hold of the guy to no avail) I finally overcame my obstacle.  The situation is not yet over, but a weight has been lifted just by speaking to the insurance agent.  And, I would like to mention, he was very kind to me.  Remember my last post about judgment?  Yeah, I'm pretty sure I've been judging this poor guy negatively for two days.  It's amazing what one fear can do to your way of thinking.

I'm hoping the dust will settle soon.  It's been a rough week, but it is one full of lessons for me: 

• My need to overcome this fear of confrontation

• The ability to take help from others (letting go of pride)

• The importance of family

• Compassion for those who have harmed me or my loved ones 

The last one has come and gone from my mind a few times since this whole ordeal started.  It is really hard to have compassion when you feel you have been wronged.  It is especially hard when this wrong-doing affects your family.  However, put simply, shit happens.  I don't know anything about the woman at fault for the accident, and I will not hold a grudge toward her.  I am just thankful my family walked away from it.  That is more important than anything. 

To all of you out there, please be careful on the roads.  You never know who is going to run a stop sign, rear-end you, or swerve toward your vehicle for whatever reason.  And remember, if you are the one running the stop sign, or any number of other things, you could be creating a whole world of hurt for others involved.  Many people don't pay enough attention when they get behind the wheel.  Let my situation be a stepping stone for you to change your driving habits, even if it only means watching out for other drivers. 

Acts of Kindness and The Passing of Judgment

I love my fiance.  She has one of the most kind hearts when it comes to helping people in need.  From taking our neighbor to physical therapy to helping an elderly woman in the Walmart parking lot, and even once having a job as a caregiver to special needs women.  She just amazes me.  Seeing her do these things is a constant reminder to me that we are all in this life together, and we should do whatever we can to help our fellow man.

One evening last week, she looked out the back door to see an older gentleman trying to push his dead truck down the alleyway.  She called out to him asking if he needed help.  The next thing I know she's grabbing the keys to our car and walking out the back door to jump-start this fella's vehicle.

When all was said and done, she came into the living room to give me a recap of the event.  Apparently, the elderly gentleman had told her:

"A car passed by me with one of those Jesus bumper stickers on the back.  I tried to wave him down, and that son of a bitch flipped me off.  Here you are with all your tattoos and piercings, and you're the one asking to help.  Just goes to show you can't judge a book by its cover!"

Had my lady not gone to help him, he was going to push that truck all the way downtown to a repair shop.  Can you imagine having to do that?!  I was glad to hear his perspective had changed even slightly. 

I have seen people judge harshly, based on appearance alone, too often.  I suppose it can be pretty easy to do, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.  I have been on both sides of this judgment thing, and neither one is pretty.  Throughout my life, I have allowed myself to live as I wanted, no matter what others thought of me.  That made me the outcast in high school for the first three years.  By my senior year, I was well-liked by the majority of the school (at least those who knew me.)  I helped to change their perspective.  At the same time, I know there have been moments when I judged others negatively.  I can't explain why it happened, but I know I have usually been pretty good at scolding myself afterward.  Sometimes I think the judgment is a reflection of the ego.  We forget to love and understand those around us whether they are strangers, family or even our friends.

While we're on the topic of judgment, I would like to share something that I saw last night.  One of my cousins (I swear she is my sister) posted something online that she had found elsewhere.  It said:

"Our actions of the past shouldn't define who we are today. Our actions of today should help define who we want to become and how we want to spend our life."  

I challenged this a bit by saying we should take out the "shouldn't" and "should," replacing them with "don't" and "do."  My reasoning is simple.  The judgment of others does not define who we are.  Rather, it is our judgment of ourselves that places a definition of self.  

Throughout my quarter-century lifespan, I have learned a lot about kindness and judgment.  The two go hand-in-hand, if for no other reason than you are judged by the way you treat others.  When you show acts of kindness, that is what they will see in you.  Your appearance will no longer matter.  Their perception will shift.  

I hope this helps you to put your best foot forward.  You are kind.  You are loving.  You are you.  Let the world see it.

The Art of Making Love

On a snowy January night, I found myself tangled in my lover's arms.  It was one of those overwhelmingly perfect evenings.  Looking back, it was the first time I had ever felt the way I did.  The whole world disappeared as I gazed into her eyes, and I couldn't feel anything but love.  All thoughts ceased within my chaotic mind.  I found peace.

Talk of making love can be so taboo.  I don't understand why.  That deep connection you are able to share with your partner is one to be proud of.  Maybe it isn't so much taboo as it is hard to describe.  Or perhaps the taboo part is going into detail, which I assure you I don't intend to do here.

Making love is completely different from having sex.  We all know this, right?  There are so many books devoted to finding ways to please your partner sexually.  What a scam.  If you are in tune with your partner and have the ability to communicate openly, you have no need to seek books.  Sure, they can be fun to read and make you feel empowered - I'd be lying if I said I have never put my hands on one - but I just don't think it should feel necessary.  The joy of making love doesn't come from the right moves per se, but rather from the closeness you feel with your partner.  Where there is love there is a way.  And where there are intimacy issues there are causes beneath the surface.

In fact, there have been numerous things I've read that talked about making love in small ways throughout the day.  No sex involved.  Touching your lover's hand, making eye contact, and kissing each other passionately are all examples of this.  It should come as no surprise that these are things we do while in the full swing of sexual encounter with our lover.  Those are the parts that matter the most.  It should never be about climax, which is what the main object of sex has become.

The next time you are in the heat of the moment make sure to look into your lover's eyes.  Notice every sensation in your body.  Cherish every touch.  Notice every sound.  Forget everything but the love in your heart - the love that makes your heart burst forth with passion for your companion.

Love and peace go hand in hand.  May you find peace in the arms of your lover.

Get The Mood Right - The First Time

My newest order from Amazon arrived today!  I ordered "Project Happily Ever After," by Alisa Bowman (writer of a blog by the same title.)  I couldn't help myself.  Not only do I look forward to receiving her blog posts via email subscription, but it just felt good to buy a quality book from a fellow blogger.  Her focus is on creating a better marriage.  She is full of great ideas for those of us who need a little inspiration within our relationships.  Thus far I've only been able to read through to the second chapter, but I assure you there is time this evening set aside especially for reading it.

This morning I had a small epiphany as I was preparing to head to work.  I spent my morning dwelling on moods.  Since the birth of our son, I have mornings where I am horrible to deal with.  I freak out about the slightest things, and I will even rant and rave about things that aren't happening at that time.  Well, this morning was different.  (Perhaps... just maybe... it's because our son slept through the entire night which allowed us to catch up on sleep.)  When I woke up, I was in my initial dazed and confused period.  Nothing is coherent in my head at this point in my wake-up routine.  Once I use the bathroom and make some coffee, or rather get some coffee into my body, I am able to function.  I sat on the bed with my coffee and laptop.  I looked next to me at my beautiful fiance who was sleeping peacefully, and I thought, "Look at her.  I really love her."  That was all I needed to give myself a great day.  Nothing has been able to ruin it since that moment.

My epiphany was the realization that I can create the first mood of my day.  It doesn't come from the thoughts that ravage my mind.  It comes from what I see in front of me.  While some mornings it can be achieved by simply looking at my fiance, other mornings it comes from the smile of my son.  In the spring time, it usually happens when I notice the birds chirping outside my window.  With these moments in mind, I decided to look for ways to set the mood for my morning every day, because, let's face it, it's easy to have the winter blues!

1.  Leave a note.
Next to the bed, by the coffee pot, on the laptop - wherever it's going to be seen.  There have been times when my fiance would leave small notes for me in random places, and it never fails to make my day.  So, why wouldn't I be able to do this for myself?  All the note has to say is, "Be thankful for ______."  Fill in the blank.

2.  Read something inspirational before starting the day.
I am a blog-aholic.  There is no reason why I can't find one blog post every morning to read while drinking my cup of joe.  And even if I can't, I have this wonderful new book to read!  In the past, I have proven to myself the power of reading motivational blogs in the morning.  It really does something to put me on the right path.  If you would like to try this step but have never read a blog, I highly recommend Think Simple Now.  It is by far my favorite.  The author, Tina Su, has a great way with words, and after reading a few of her posts you will begin to feel like she is a friend of yours.  She is just so personable.

3.  Take a moment outdoors.
It's winter and a damn cold one where I live.  But there is still something great about taking a few minutes on my front porch to enjoy the peace of the world.  Walk out and take a breath of fresh air.  Look around without passing judgment in any way.  Enjoy being alive!

On that note, I am off to finish my wonderful day.  I hope everyone else is finding joy as well.

To read Think Simple Now, you can visit this link.  To check out the blog Project Happily Ever After, go here.  And if you would like to check out the book I purchased by Alisa Bowman, be sure to visit the Amazon link below.

Dis-Ease

Every time I am feeling ill I remember a passage in one of Christopher Penzcak's books.  He said when we are feeling the effects of disease, we should try to figure out what it's telling us.  Most of the time, I feel like it means I need more adequate rest or a break from stress.  This time might be the same, but I'm not certain.  I have been sick for five days now and can't seem to find an end in sight.

There are many ways to dissect an illness from a spiritual standpoint.  Not only can I look at how tired it is making me, but I can look to the affected areas of my body.  If I have a sore throat (which I am thankfully not experiencing at the moment) I could say it's related to my throat chakra, and this would tell me I am not speaking my mind thoroughly or maybe I am speaking too much.  If I am suffering from headaches, I may need to become more in tune with my spiritual self and find some peace.

I love looking to the energy of chakras for meaning.  Sometimes it brings great relief.  I firmly believe we can cause our body to react negatively through our internal struggles.  Harmful energy that we create can turn into disease of all kinds.  Whatever illness has befallen me came because I have not been in a good place.  I have been allowing my stress to get the best of me.  It has caused outbursts of varying degrees, and it has also caused me to lose sight of much of my spiritual journey.  My illness says a lot, because it is widespread.  It's forcing me to take a long, deep look at myself and remember where I need to be in this world.

Christopher Penzcak explains all of this much better than I ever could.  This bit of information comes from his book The Inner Temple of Witchcraft.  Even if you have no interest in witchcraft, his books shed light on various spiritual topics.  He is the first author I ever felt connected to.  I can honestly say he helped create the spiritual person I have become.

All spiritual talk aside, I'm going to hope what I have isn't pneumonia.  I hear that's going around.

The BlackBerry Diet

I have a tendency to browse through numerous blogs in a week's time.  I'm always looking for new blogs to subscribe to.  Let's call it a new-found addiction.  Through my browsing this past week I came across not only a great blog but a great novel. 

The BlackBerry Diet by Barbara de Vries is based on the true account of her husband's affair.  While I haven't yet finished it, I am reading at a more rapid pace than I have in ages.  The story is very moving.  Anyone who has dealt with a cheating spouse will find it easy to see themselves in her position.  In fact, I venture to say one would be able to place themselves in her position even if they have never endured this kind of predicament.  I think the thing I love most is her ability to share her experience with the world.  It takes a lot of courage not only on her part but on her husband's as well.  They stayed together, and that is the beauty of it.

I have thrown about the idea of writing a novel based on some of the situations my fiance and i have gone through.  It's more than some couples face in a lifetime.  If I would decide to share with the world, I hope it touches people the way Barbara has touched me.  There is something to be said about the feeling of realizing you aren't alone.  It truly gives the sense of empowerment.  It's okay to go through something like this and feel totally crazy.  And it's okay to walk away from it having become a stronger person.

If you would like to read The BlackBerry Diet, Barbara has posted it online for free viewing.  You can read it here.  Be sure to bookmark it, and enjoy!

The Newest Chapter

First, I would like to wish you all a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!  It'd be nice if I could keep up with these things, but alas I cannot.  Around the holidays I tend to forget that I enjoy the internet at all.  I focus more on my family and (afterward) trying to calm down from all the stress.

Thankfully, I am finally starting to find some balance since the birth of my son in October.  I feel like it took longer than it should have, but I suppose each person is different.  The length of time for an adjustment period can vary.  I have found a pattern within myself that pertains to adjustment periods.  I am the type of person who will stress out about this change, and I will allow it to grow and grow and grow until it seems like I am freaking out on a daily basis.  Then one day I will do something for myself that feels like it puts one piece of the puzzle back in.  Then another.  Slowly but surely I piece myself back together around the change, and I allow the change to flow with everything else.  I envy those who are able to embrace change from the moment it hits them.  I have never been like that.  Whereas my flow with change comes long after it first occurs, their flow comes almost immediately. 

While I embrace the Buddhist notion of living in the moment and not having expectation, these are some of the hardest habits for me to break.  I develop routines to create a smooth road for myself.  And yes, it is smooth, until I reach that pothole of change that makes me swerve off the road and land in a ditch.  The funny thing about falling flat on your face in that ditch is that it gives you no choice but to find a new way. 

For the past two months I have set aside my arts, my blog, and most of my goals.  While it was turbulent for me to let go of my selfish needs and desires, I do not regret it.  I did it because I knew it was the best thing for my son.  He is my number one priority, and he totally deserves it.  Now, finally, the balance has come back to me.  I can put him first, but I can bring my goals back in around him, even making music with him right next to me staring and cooing.  He has even motivated me to start new projects I had only dreamed about previously.  It is absolutely beautiful - a masterpiece made of the finest threads of life.

My hope at this time is to continue sharing my journey with all of you once again.  It feels good to be back!