Coming Back Around

It's strange how one stressful situation can turn a world upside down. I feel myself coming back to my normal self, and I must say I am absolutely thankful for it. I have learned quite a few things since my girlfriend has been in the hospital. She has been there for a little over a week now, but should be discharged sometime within the next few days. I have been spending time with her every day. Every free moment I had that wasn't being used to sleep or shower was spent beside her in that hospital room. It's still happening that way actually. Because I have chosen to approach the situation in this way, we have grown more fond of one another. We've also had nurses saying how they see husbands and wives visit their spouses for 5 minutes at a time every other day, and parents visit about every 3 days, but here I am visiting every single day... sometimes twice a day... and always for at least 2 hours. I don't do it for my own well-being, not at all. Really, it would have probably been more healthy for me to stay home more often. I would have been eating correctly and getting my much-needed mental stillness. Therefore, I could have been less stressed and frustrated over her physical dilemma. I know, however, that she was worse whenever there was no one there to take her mind off things. She and I had a few discussions about it. So, I decided I would help, by being there for her, as often as I could. I will continue to do so as long as she is stuck there. Words cannot describe how much I have come to love this woman.

In another light, now that she is getting a bit better and I am coming back from my negativity, things are glowing again around me. I feel lighter and stronger. Through this, I have realized just how much one can learn from a moment of suffering. It happens to me all the time. In fact, through periods of suffering, I have become extremely spiritual. It is the balance between the suffering and the positive mindset that most people have trouble finding. When you can look back on a situation, almost immediately, and realize what you are learning from it, you are well on your way to an enlightening experience.

Here's to embracing all parts of life...

Trying to come back to Earth

It has been weeks since I have last felt like myself. Since my girlfriend has been in the hospital this past week, it is even worse. I allow myself to become overwhelmed by my thoughts a lot, which has inevitably led to having other negative situations arise. Law of Attraction. I had one of my closest friends freak out on me for something that was, by all means, my fault. Yet, I had no explanation, no excuse, no defense for myself. Just sat there and let tears fall as she railed into me with every thought-out word. It's just another one of those times where I am battling myself. I have too much going on to concern myself with every single situation at once. I feel like I am always misunderstood, by women especially. No one can ever just say... "well, that's just her. she would never intentionally harm me." At this moment in time, I should probably get to the biggest point of this blog today...

I need to let it all go.

I've done that before. Time and time again. And every time, it helps. There is no reason for me to be frustrated and stressed. Things will work out the way they are supposed to, and I will always do whatever I can to help push things in the right direction.

I am human, like everyone else, and we all make mistakes. I, too, can be forgiven. Most of all, by myself.

At this point, my biggest question is this: How can one be concerned with all the suffering in the world but not attached to it?

I have a hard time taking notice to the suffering and not trying to change it. If you can't see an outcome, if you lost all attachment to outcomes, you would not try to change anything. Here I am thinking too much again. However, I was born an empathetic individual. I cannot sit idly by and watch the ones I love go through turmoil. It doesn't work that way.

Every religion and philosophy I come across has holes in it. I suppose that's why I've only ever continued to build and follow my own, mostly. In time, I may better understand the Buddhist ways I have been attempting to understand and pursue. In fact, I could probably better understand once things around me calm down. However, it is I who should be able to calm myself down and continue to believe the same things. I should be able to feel the same way about life every single day.

I think a deep meditation is in order.

The Others

I have two friends, in particular, who hold negative mindsets in almost every situation life throws at them. I then have another friend who follows everyone else's ideas and feelings. I tend to be the one who tells them they all need to look at things in a different light. The problem is no one listens until they are ready to. It's a fact of life. I never used to listen to anyone's opinions unless they reflected my own. I think a lot of people are that way still. However, I've learned throughout the years that negative thoughts and feelings are our own creations and can be controlled. Because of this, I hope to help my friends break through the endless cycles that inevitably lead to depression and angst.

I believe the first step for everyone on this planet is to read about Choice Theory. I don't know a single person who has read about it and tried calling it a lie or hoax. Once brought into your mind, choice theory is there forever. It is an important concept. You can only control yourself, no one else, and you can control every single part of yourself. It's a hard thing to swallow at first, because no one really wants to take that much responsibility over their own actions. I felt the same way when I first heard about it. But if you really look into it, and really grasp it, you will feel better. You will know you are able to be happy. It's all under your control. You choose to be happy or to be down in the dumps. It's absolutely miraculous once you realize the power you have in this situation.

On top of Choice Theory, everyone should studies all the religions they can possibly find. I did, and I feel like my own personal belief system is better because of it. We should not be limiting ourselves to one or two religions. There is such a wide range of spiritual beliefs out there. Why would anyone want to run to the shelter of one thing? I will label myself as a Buddhist, because it is where most of my energy resonates right now. But that is not to say I will continue to be a Buddhist for the rest of my life. That is also not to say I am ENTIRELY Buddhist. There are a lot of Buddhist practices I don't follow. I am my own person, and I will not pretend to be someone else. I follow my heart and my mind, not someone else's spiritual practices. My point here is this: Everyone should study Buddhism. Not Buddhism the religion, but rather the philosophy it was originally supposed to be. The statement, "Be here now," has become one of the greatest mantras of all time. It will help you in any situation, as long as you can fully practice it. There is only this moment. If you are living in the past or the present, you are like the living dead, barely existing, walking around like zombies. Who doesn't want to embrace their lives while they have them? I never realized I was missing out on life until I started practicing being in the now. It's important to try this for yourself and see the difference.

I think I will quit my rambling for the day. But I hope someone out there can understand where I am coming from with all this.

Here's to a more positive outlook!

Attachment

When it comes to my Buddhist beliefs, attachment is by far the hardest thing for me to overcome. I am and always have been an attached individual. When I say attached, I mean attached to EVERYTHING. It never ceases to amaze me how caught up I become in my life experiences.

So, what about past experiences? I tend to believe I have let them go, but at certain times you would think that I haven't. For example, more recently I had a dream about a girl I had dated for a little while. The next few days were full of thoughts of her. This is not to say I wanted to go back to the past and try something with her again, but rather I was curious about her and our relationship with one another. I always find myself wondering why we lose contact with people. So, when i find myself losing someone completely, I am left questioning. Simply stated, I am so attached to the people I get close to that I don't ever want them out of my life. I deal with those who have disappeared from my view. I don't dwell on the ones who are no longer around. But I do still love these people.

I told my girlfriend the other day, "I will always love the girls I fell for." This was not to say I love any one more than the others, or to say she doesn't compare. I continued on to explain she is the one who has me in this moment, not any of them. I wouldn't jeopardize what I have with her because of someone I know didn't work before. She's much more important to me than that. However, I wanted her to understand that I'm going to have periods of my life where I'm thinking about an ex almost excessively. I've gotten better at fighting these periods off, but it's obvious they have not left entirely.

I know I'm not alone. If I asked anyone, "is there at least one person in your life you will always love, always wonder about?" they would answer yes. Why do we become so attached to these emotions we feel for one another? Does anyone else look at it as a drug? I'm starting to feel like an addict, honestly. It's not healthy to be so attached to people that you can't let go.

This leads to something else. My girlfriend and I don't see each other very often, because she doesn't usually feel well enough. I don't blame her, and I am never angry or upset with her over these things. BUT I do get angry and frustrated, almost insanely possessive and selfish. It didn't get that bad until yesterday. As soon as I did, I apologized... all day long. I lost control of myself, and it was horrendous. I love this girl. I care about her well-being and happiness. I care about our relationship. Yet, after so long of not having the situation I want to have, I lost my mind and freaked out on HER of all people. How does any of this make sense? It doesn't. Not even to me. I should, by all means, be able to deal with this. I've spent plenty of time away from girls to know how to be happy by myself. You would think I could use that to my advantage when I'm away from her. I still haven't gotten it figured out, but I know it's attachment. This is where attachment becomes absolutely unhealthy for everyone involved.

I do want to say, she and I discussed our situation after we had our argument, and we are working on fixing it together. At least ONE healthy point came up in this blog.

Cheers to healthy, happy relationships with others... as well as oneself.